


You Will Survive This Somehow

by DeadMilitia



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Crying, Cutting, Dark, Dark Theme, Depression, Friendship, Secrets, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:04:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9230045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: Even if I say, "it'll be alright," still I hear you say you want to end your life.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FanficIsRuiningMyLife_nothatihaveone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanficIsRuiningMyLife_nothatihaveone/gifts).



> This is for FanficIsRuiningMyLife_notthatihaveone because they are going through a rough time right now and it's really been pulling at my heart lately. We're in this together, hun.   
> A lot of what Dan thinks and does in this is based on my own experience with depression and self-harm. 
> 
> Story title from "Life Starts Now" and summary is from "Never Too Late" both by Three Days Grace.

Phil wasn't entirely sure when it started but he knew it had been going on for a while. When he befriended that awkward eighteen year old he knew something was off with the boy. Once Dan started hanging around more he could tell more of what was off with Dan. Some days the teen would be perfectly fine, happy, outgoing, goofy. Other days he was quiet, closed off, and emotionless. After walking in on Dan crying while sat on the edge of his bed in the afternoon, Phil made a silent promise to keep Dan happy. He knew Dan couldn't control these feelings. Depression wasn't something you chose, it just happened. Sometimes they would be having a great day and Dan would slip into a depressed state. Phil knew there wasn't anything he could do to bring Dan out of it so he was just there for him.

Phil thought that Dan was getting better. It had been a while since Dan had shut himself in his room and Phil thought that was a good sign. Then one day, Dan shut down. From the time he woke up he wasn't himself. The best way Phil could describe it was that Dan was basically an emotionless zombie. He didn't react to thinks like he normally would. He did what he had to do and then went back to his room to lay in bed. Phil hated seeing Dan this way but couldn't change it.

Then the days following that Phil noticed how much Dan seemed to favor wearing long sleeves over his normal t-shirts. The fact that it wasn't cold made it strange. When questioned, Dan would just say he was cold or that he just felt like wearing it. Phil figured those were good enough reasons to leave Dan alone. If he pushed the other too far it would just make him mad. Phil had to keep telling himself that Dan wouldn't go that far. Not every depressed person cuts themselves.

Then came the night when Phil was woken up by a loud noise somewhere in the apartment. His eyes shot open and his heart raced. His mind went straight to break in. After listening for a while he was sure there was someone in the apartment. He wondered if Dan had heard it too. After building up every ounce of courage he had, he pulled himself out of bed and into the hallway. He opened Dan's door to see his bed empty. That put a little relief over him. It was probably just Dan dropping something or tripping.

When Dan got to the lounge, he found Dan sitting on the floor with a bottle of vodka in his hands. Phil knew the bottle hadn't been opened since they had just bought it and looking at it now he saw that most of the bottle was gone. More importantly, Phil noticed the cuts and dried blood on Dan's arms. He was wearing a black t-shirt, showing off the fresh cuts and some old ones. Phil stood in shock for a moment before rushing to Dan's side and grabbing the bottle. Dan protested as Phil took it away.

"Oh my god," was all Phil could manage, choking back tears. He grabbed Dan and pulled him to his feet before helping him to the bathroom. He ignored Dan telling him to let him go. He had Dan sit on the toilet lid and then got the first-aid kit from under the sink. "Why?" Phil asked, dabbing at Dan's arms with a peroxide soaked rag, holding Dan's hand tighter when the younger man tried to pull away.

"Because I want to fucking die. That's why," Dan snapped before breaking down into sobs. Phil abandoned his job of cleaning up Dan to pull him into a tight hug. The brunette latched on to Phil and sobbed into his chest. "I can't do it anymore, Phil." Dan's crying and him being drunk made it hard for Phil to understand him but he understood enough. Phil held Dan and tried to hold himself together as he rubbed his back. It took a while for Dan to calm down to just just sniffles and hiccups.

"Let's get you cleaned up and in bed. We'll talk tomorrow okay?" Phil suggested, pulling away from Dan a little. Dan nodded his head, not meeting Phil's eyes. Phil tried to fight back another round of tears as he cleaned Dan's wounds. He didn't have any gauze since he had forgotten to restock the first-aid kit. He figured cleaning the cuts with peroxide was good enough for tonight.

Dan didn't fight this time when Phil helped him up. Instead of taking Dan to his own room, Phil laid him down in his bed. He shut the light out and laid down with the brunette, holding him close. It didn't take long for Dan to fall asleep. Phil stayed up and cried. Dan wanted to die? Why would he want that? What happened to bring this on all of a sudden? Was there even a reason? Phil knew Dan wasn't going to want to talk about it but he couldn't just pretend this didn't happen. He had to know what was going on so he could help.

\-----------------------

The next morning Phil woke up to an empty bed. After a moment of thinking he remembered what happened last night. He shot out of the bed and went in search of Dan. Was Dan actually suicidal? Or was that just a mix of alcohol and depression? Phil didn't want Dan left alone either way. He was relieved when he found Dan sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal. Most of the cereal was soggy looking and it appeared Dan hadn't eaten much of it. Phil allowed himself to relax a little, relieved that Dan was okay.

"Can we just get it over with?" Dan asked and Phil nodded even though Dan wasn't looking at him. He walked over and sat beside Dan, taking a deep breath and trying to figure out how to start this. It wasn't a conversation either one of them wanted to have.

"Why do you want...." Phil couldn't say it. Just the thought of Dan killing himself was tearing Phil up inside.

"Why do I want to kill myself? I don't know," Dan said, leaning forward to set his bowl down. He turned to look at Phil with tears collecting in his eyes. "I don't know why I want to. I don't actually want to, I guess. My mind tells me I do though."

"That's from the depression." Phil said, it was the only thing he could think to say.

"Yeah, I know. I don't understand it, Phil." Dan said, the tears slipping down his cheeks/

"Have you thought about seeing a professional?" Phil asked, not knowing what else to say. Dan scoffed and shook his head slightly.

"And have them lock me up in a hospital somewhere? No thanks." Dan said bitterly.

"Dan, you don't know that they'd do that." Phil argued but knew that Dan was probably right. Most suicidal people have to be watched for a period of time before they are allowed to go home.

"And then I can be doped up on meds to make me society's standard of normal. I don't want to live that way, Phil. I don't want to have be on drugs to make me normal."

"Okay," Phil said softly. This was already a sensitive conversation and he didn't want to upset Dan more. "Do you remember what happened last night? Why you got drunk and..." Phil motioned to Dan's arms that were now covered by sleeves. Dan subconsciously pulled the sleeves down over his hands tighter.

"I was feeling down and then decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. Ending it all would be easier than suffering until I feel better. I've been depressed for so long now and I just want it to end." Dan admitted, wiping at his tears. Phil wasn't sure what to say next. He had never really encountered this type of thing and he wasn't sure how to approach it. He had experienced depression before but not to the degree Dan was experiencing it. Suicide had never been an option in Phil's mind.

Neither one said anything. They sat in silence and thought over the situation. Dan wondered what Phil thought of him now and Phil thought about how to help Dan. Neither one got the answer they wanted before Dan got up and left. The tense atmosphere was too much for Dan to handle right now. He found himself locked in the bathroom and under the shower's spray. It was the one place he knew Phil wouldn't bother him.

Dan felt his stomach and chest tighten before he let out a sob and felt the intense need to harm himself. He hated the feeling of needing it. Normal people don't harm themselves just because they're upset. He knew the need to hurt himself wasn't healthy but he couldn't fight the urge. It was an addiction and when you're addicting to something it drives you crazy until you give in. For Dan, feeling pain made him feel better. He knew how twisted it was but he didn't care anymore. He sat on the shower floor and pulled on his hair. He didn't have a razor he could use so he pulled his hair and scratched himself to hold him over until he could be alone in his room.

He knew Phil was going to fuss over him now and he didn't want that. Phil wasn't supposed to wake up. He wasn't supposed to find out. Dan never wanted Phil to worry about him like this. He wished he could go back and change his actions. Phil shouldn't have found out the way he did.

Dan wondered if things were ever going to be normal between them or if Phil would be on eggshell now. He thought about what Phil had said about seeking professional help. The idea of being locked up in a hospital and being on medicine scared him. He had read so much about depression pills and the effects they can have on you. He heard people's stories of how they went through horrible things and didn't care because the drugs make you not care. He didn't want to live that way. He wanted to get better, he really did, but he couldn't bring himself to be drugged up and locked up. That wasn't what he wanted.

Dan knew that things weren't going to get better on their own. He knew depression wasn't something that just went away. He would live with this and unless he allowed doctors to pump him full of chemicals, he would never get past it. He was too afraid to take that step though.

"Dan?" He heard Phil yell from outside the door. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he yelled back. He thought about how much Phil cares about him. Phil has taken care of him all this time. He's done his best to keep Dan happy and he's always been there for him. Maybe with Phil's help he could get the courage to take the next step. He liked the thought of Phil helping him but he worried it wasn't possible. He was worried that he would always be too afraid. He was worried that he would be too much for Phil to handle and he would end up alone again. He couldn't end up alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're feeling suicidal, please seek help! I know it's scary and I wouldn't do it for the longest time because I was afraid. Talking to someone and getting a team of people behind me to support me was the best decision I made. If it doesn't work out at first, please don't give up. There are so many people out there willing to help. You just need to find the one right for you.   
> For free counseling:  
> http://www.7cups.com/ (I've never used 7 Cups of Tea, but I've heard that they're good.)  
> https://www.thehopeline.com/ (The Hopeline is anonymous. I also have a friend who works for them.)   
> And as always, you can talk to me if you want to. I am NOT a professional and I can't help you like one can. But I'm willing to listen and be a friend to you.   
> tumblr: dan-phil-obsessed  
> Twitter: @TheDeadMilitia  
> Instagram: @monster_chick94


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